It’s Getting Dark

I keep ending up here…I’m tired of having to fight to get back to a life that isn’t fulfilling or worthwhile just to end up back in this dark place further along the line. Nothing ever seems to go right and no matter what I do, try or aspire for it just falls apart each and every time. People keep telling me to change the way I look at things, to be positive, to ride it out…but I am tired of hearing it.

I’ve been quite angry and abrupt with close people lately because what they are telling me to do is the same thing I hear time and time again – and it just doesn’t work. This time if I’m not numb, then I’m frustratingly angry with no outlet. I have no control in life any more – everything is controlled and dictated by outside forces. Talking just doesn’t help. It only makes me more angry. Over the years I’ve had counselling, CBT, NLP, tried mindfulness, meditation, yoga, self-help books, hypnotherapy…it just doesn’t work or is not sustainable long term once the stress begins to mount up.

I’m frustrated because I don’t feel like I’m being heard or understood. Never before over the last ten years have I felt so bleak and hopeless. The thoughts are a lot darker, the desire to hurt myself and even to kill myself are a lot greater but the only suggestions anyone – personal or professional – offers me is to talk about it and that just makes me feel even more hopeless and more angry.

And I don’t even have my faith any more. I feel dead inside and no prayers or ritual bring me any comfort. I even dismantled all my shrines and packed the stuff away, but my partner came home drunk that evening and got upset because I had done it, so I put it back up to keep him happy but it just sits there…there is no power or presence there. I feel powerless, a fraud and a failure and talking is supposed to be the great cure that will get me back into the rat race.

I’m so tired…I don’t have faith, I don’t have motivation, I don’t have power, I don’t have purpose…it’s an effort just to exist. Even the doctor’s aren’t much help, ascribing me as having “low mood” as if I’m just going to snap out of it. My family and friends are mostly distant either because they’re too busy living their own lives or just because they don’t know what to do; but ultimately there’s nothing they can do. No one has a magic wand or a special pill that will fix things and this world is so f-ed up that I don’t really want to be a part of it anyway.

I haven’t even bothered reaching out to people further afield, because I don’t like to put myself on others but also because I don’t feel it will do any good…ultimately the same suggestions come through. Try or not, everything rests on my shoulders to change things but I┬ácan’t change other people or outside forces and largely that’s what affects me the most. And yes, I know that most people will say it’s all about my perception of those people/things and how I react to them that makes me feel like that but all that says to me is I’m supposed to just pretend to be ok living a crappy life in a crappy world, and play-act my way through until the end. But I’m even too big a coward to hurt myself or to throw myself under that train, off that bridge, to slit my wrists, take that overdose…

Makes no difference. I can never figure out if I want to laugh or cry or scream any more. The days are nothing. Meaningless and empty and I just feel like I’m the butt of some cosmic joke. Yeah, everyone has their own problems and there are people out there in far worse situations etc…it means nothing to me. I’m sick of caring because it has never gotten me anything. Whether I’m kind and caring or a selfish bastard I end up in the same place.

And that’s really just the tip of the iceberg…I just feel like a slave to this existence.

Living by the Two of Swords

In recent times I have felt as though I am held in some perpetual limbo, both physically and spiritually. All the things I have tried to do have lead to moments of not knowing which way to turn for the best and the stresses that have accompanied such decision making have on occasions dragged out for months, because I had convinced myself of not knowing which way to turn.

All divinations done for myself in any of these situations has always garnered the Two of Swords (or a card of a similar meaning) presenting me with the base knowledge that deep down I know what I have to do. But even so, I eventually move forward and before long come crashing back down at the foot of that blindfolded lady with her crossed swords; or more accurately thanks to the below image – to the Lady Hekate and Her burning brands.

I am stuck. Lost in the void between courses. Adrift in my own darkness. Numb save for anger and frustration. There is no up, no down; no forward, no back. Confusion reigns supreme. Though I’ve been here before numerous times in the last ten years of my life, this is by far the darkest and most bleak of times and I see no way out and mostly, don’t even want a way out. For the alternatives are a mixture of equally bleak or pointless because of the delusion of living in this world, being nothing but a slave to this modern age for no thanks or respite save death.

Upright or reversed, the Two of Swords seems a prevalent force in my life and no matter how truthfully I try to make decisions and live by my choices, I am broken to pieces and ground down time and time again left to silently scream into the abyss.

So how many more times must this Fool be strapped to the Wheel of Fortune only to be ground back into the dirt? Why can’t people understand why I’m so reluctant to bother getting out of the mire, when I’ll just as readily end up back in it?

Image

The Two of Swords from Pistis Sophia: The Goddess Tarot (Copyright Nic Phillips & Kim Huggens 2012)

This time last year…

…I was a wreck.

Not even a month fresh off the back of a complete breakdown, I was in a very dark and lonely place. Isolated, withdrawn, fearful, angry, frustrated, powerless, weak…I had let life get the better of me yet again and the Gods were not going to stand by and watch me wreck my outlook another time and so they pulled the rug from under my feet and sent me spiralling into oblivion.

But now…now I’m back at work, sticking to my guns with regards to not being walked all over/taken advantage of. I am more confident, more assertive, more happy. I have wonderful people in my life – some very new, but still very special – all of whom have been there to help motivate me and keep me walking in the right direction.

In the last twelve months I’ve been able to finally find and be the person who I am meant to be; a glimmer of my ultimate, True Self. I’m also going to the gym – finally putting my money where my mouth is and getting in shape to enable me to feel confident on the outside as well as the inside.

I’m not perfect. But I’m taking it a day at a time. I have my slips. I have my difficult days. But I try to remain focused on the good days, on the things to look forward to. For memories. For friends. For family. For lovers.

So I suppose what I want to really say with this little ramble is “thank you”…to everyone (myself included) for everything – however small or fleeting – they have done that’s helped turn my life around in such a big way in the last twelve months!