It’s Getting Dark

I keep ending up here…I’m tired of having to fight to get back to a life that isn’t fulfilling or worthwhile just to end up back in this dark place further along the line. Nothing ever seems to go right and no matter what I do, try or aspire for it just falls apart each and every time. People keep telling me to change the way I look at things, to be positive, to ride it out…but I am tired of hearing it.

I’ve been quite angry and abrupt with close people lately because what they are telling me to do is the same thing I hear time and time again – and it just doesn’t work. This time if I’m not numb, then I’m frustratingly angry with no outlet. I have no control in life any more – everything is controlled and dictated by outside forces. Talking just doesn’t help. It only makes me more angry. Over the years I’ve had counselling, CBT, NLP, tried mindfulness, meditation, yoga, self-help books, hypnotherapy…it just doesn’t work or is not sustainable long term once the stress begins to mount up.

I’m frustrated because I don’t feel like I’m being heard or understood. Never before over the last ten years have I felt so bleak and hopeless. The thoughts are a lot darker, the desire to hurt myself and even to kill myself are a lot greater but the only suggestions anyone – personal or professional – offers me is to talk about it and that just makes me feel even more hopeless and more angry.

And I don’t even have my faith any more. I feel dead inside and no prayers or ritual bring me any comfort. I even dismantled all my shrines and packed the stuff away, but my partner came home drunk that evening and got upset because I had done it, so I put it back up to keep him happy but it just sits there…there is no power or presence there. I feel powerless, a fraud and a failure and talking is supposed to be the great cure that will get me back into the rat race.

I’m so tired…I don’t have faith, I don’t have motivation, I don’t have power, I don’t have purpose…it’s an effort just to exist. Even the doctor’s aren’t much help, ascribing me as having “low mood” as if I’m just going to snap out of it. My family and friends are mostly distant either because they’re too busy living their own lives or just because they don’t know what to do; but ultimately there’s nothing they can do. No one has a magic wand or a special pill that will fix things and this world is so f-ed up that I don’t really want to be a part of it anyway.

I haven’t even bothered reaching out to people further afield, because I don’t like to put myself on others but also because I don’t feel it will do any good…ultimately the same suggestions come through. Try or not, everything rests on my shoulders to change things but I can’t change other people or outside forces and largely that’s what affects me the most. And yes, I know that most people will say it’s all about my perception of those people/things and how I react to them that makes me feel like that but all that says to me is I’m supposed to just pretend to be ok living a crappy life in a crappy world, and play-act my way through until the end. But I’m even too big a coward to hurt myself or to throw myself under that train, off that bridge, to slit my wrists, take that overdose…

Makes no difference. I can never figure out if I want to laugh or cry or scream any more. The days are nothing. Meaningless and empty and I just feel like I’m the butt of some cosmic joke. Yeah, everyone has their own problems and there are people out there in far worse situations etc…it means nothing to me. I’m sick of caring because it has never gotten me anything. Whether I’m kind and caring or a selfish bastard I end up in the same place.

And that’s really just the tip of the iceberg…I just feel like a slave to this existence.


One comment on “It’s Getting Dark

  1. Senneferet says:

    I came across your blog by accident. I’m Kemetic (mainly) and was just browsing. I feel I have to say something. You don’t need to talk, just listen. in 2008 I got ill. It started out as ME, then spiraled into severe depression. I have social anxiety, disassociative disorder, lots. I was told I had to have counselling before I would get help for my physical pain and ME. I was told the pain was all in my head. The depression and pain got worse. I lost my job and felt like my gods had abandoned me. I tried to kill myself on more than one occasion (and ended up causing a car accident which involved my fiance, at the time I didn’t care).

    I left my therapist and threw my meds in the bin. Then I let myself break……I just let it happen (Florence and the Machines ‘Shake it out’ helped). I cried uncontrollably, I slept on the floor. By stopping trying to fix myself and instead letting it take over I renewed myself. It’s hard to describe in words. I still get days where I have that old black cloud over my head but they are fewer and farther in between. I am reconnecting with my faith.

    I’m not going to tell you be strong, that this will pass. Those words will mean nothing. I won’t tell you it will get better because I can’t guarantee it. All I can say is this little stranger on the internet understands and I hope I can be a hand in the darkness.

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